Now, Then, When
by Teyerin
Summary: Afterthoughts of the season 19 episode, Rapture


Now, Then, When

Disclaimer: Own nothing of Wolf's.

(Inspired in part by the last recent episode, "Rapture" and the lyrics/video to "How to Save a Life")

"Maybe you can prepare for me," Jack McCoy suggested to Connie.

It wasn't often that Michael Cutter sang his partner's praises openly with her present and it wasn't often that Connie Rubirosa distanced herself from Mike the way she had - putting Jack in the middle literally and figuratively.

"For what?" she asked.

"An interfaith panel about religion and law," Jack said reluctantly.

"Sounds fascinating," Mike said dryly.

Jack bit back a chosen retort, thankful for Connie's presence. "I think I feel the flu coming on," he said instead.

"Chicken soup," Connie said with a hint of smile.

"Chicken," Mike said with a smirk on his face.

Jack shook his head as the elevator began its descent. "Just for that, I should double your workload tonight. What do you think?"

Mike exited the elevator first. 'Pass, but not forgotten."

Connie chuckled. "I promise not to stay late, 'Dad.' Just going outside to take in a bit of fresh air then grab some dinner to take back upstairs."

Jack frowned. "By yourself?"

"I'm a big girl, Jack."

"Care to let your 'old man' treat you to dinner then?" Before Connie could ask, he added, "Yes, I'd consider this a favor to keep from going home to an empty house for a little while longer."

While what he said was a half-truth, he knew what lie he was trying to suppress at the same time.

-- Years Earlier --

"Chicken soup?"

Jack looked up at the cardboard cup held out before him by his assistant. "I thought I told you to go home?"

"You did; I almost did and I'm back. Deal with it." She set the container down before closing the door left open.

Jack chuckled despite himself. "At what point did you and I switch places?"

Alexandra Borgia gave a slight smile as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear before sitting in the chair closest to Jack's desk. "In terms of the giving or taking grief, Jack?"

"Touché." He rose to get her a cup of tea. "Tell me you didn't go too far for this soup supper, Alex."

"No, I didn't 'Dad.'" She gave a nod of thanks for the cup then continued. "This is from the cafe at the end of the block."

He knew there was something more on her mind than looking out for his well-being. "I don't want to keep you too late, Alex."

She looked at him with concern. "Just wanted to talk, that's all."

Jack divided up the slices of bread. "All right."

"All right," Alex said as she wrapped her hands around the beverage, leaning forward. "You promise to stay home tomorrow, take care of that 'cold' and maybe I won't pester you nonstop this weekend….or worse. Deal's on the table for thirty seconds."

He gave her a wry grin, surprised by the unexpected detour. "Alex-."

"Twenty seconds."

He tried to make another argument only for her to count down the seconds. "Fine. Deal! Happy?"

Alex leaned back. "Maybe. Of course, doesn't mean I won't stop praying you'll come to your senses when it comes to your health."

Jack leaned forward. "Wait a minute-."

"Oh, don't worry, you've a permanent spot on my prayer list, every morning and every night. I figure I might be lucky that you'll see what you should be seeing soon enough…hopefully."

Jack furrowed his brow. "Doubtfully." He noticed how her tone bordered on fear and blame to some degree. "What's on your mind, Alex?"

The young woman shrugged. "Aside from how you've tossed away more than just the defense's offer of considering it time served?"

Jack shook his head. As much as he usually agreed with Attorney Matthew Clemens, this case was _not_ one of those times. "Bruce Elwin deserves to go to prison, Alex. Nothing against your beliefs to the contrary, although I'll give you kudos for bringing up Douglas or Scalia-."

"Don't patronize me, Jack; that hurts. Besides, that wasn't what I was referring to."

He felt terrible all of a sudden, wondering what he wasn't seeing that he should have. "My apologies, Alexandra. I hadn't meant to-."

"Apologies accepted," she told him, setting the cup down, "but as far as your intentions…yes, you meant to-."

Jack felt his chest tighten up. "Alex-."

She leaned forward, stretching forward to take his hands in hers. "You meant to turn your back on your faith without even considering…There was _once_ something good and helpful in that faith for you, wasn't there?"

Jack accepted both of her hands in his, rubbing the back of one of them with his thumb. He could easily see these smaller hands folded in prayer, he thought. How easily that same habit was embraced by the McCoy children dutifully so long ago…

"I'm not going to take you through my valley of the shadow of death, Alex. It's not that I've become agnostic or atheist; it's just… After seeing so much evil in the world, how can one honestly believe in any good any more?"

"So, you're saying we've de-evolved into something…inhumane?"

It was Jack's turn to shrug. "Not all of us - too many of us maybe, but not all of us. I guess…I guess…"

"You gave up while taking in too much of the darkness," Alex said softly.

He looked up and saw the singular tear trailing down her cheek. "I suppose so," he said. "What else do you think I could do? I mean, I've had this…stance for _many_ years now and-."

"You could break away from the ones you follow; perhaps wander back towards the path you left so long ago? I know I'm probably being too forward, but I won't apologize for it."

Jack smiled at that - one habit of his she claimed as her own. In his heart of hearts, he knew he could do one of two things: he could admit to everything Alex had just said or tell her that he wasn't the same since that young man so long ago who watched his best friend die...

Either way, he saw a young woman, a friend, giving him something to hold on to. It would be his choice, not hers, whether or not he took it.

--- Present ---

"So, what do you say?"

Connie looked politely right on through the window to his right. There was so much more unsaid as they shared a meal together in the cafe on the corner.

In the past couple of years, she thought he was finally moving forward, given his move across the hall among other things. Instead, times like these, like tonight, told her that every now and then, Jack McCoy thought of the assistant before her.

Connie didn't care what Mike thought about her religious beliefs. Faith, to her, wasn't something to use as a fencing tool or facade to coerce a confession out of someone. It wasn't something to be treated lightly. While he might have been well versed in things such as batting averages and earned run averages, Connie knew which 'numbers' served her through the day.

The fact that Jack was sincere in requesting her assistance with preparing for the debate touched Connie greatly. In her eyes, it gave her more reason to respect him - not saying she didn't already respect him highly. She took the request as it was presented - a chance to help a friend in need.

"So, what do you say?" she repeated, hoping to bring him back to the present, reminding herself the choice was his, not hers.


End file.
